About Love – Online Relationship Help

How to learn not to react painfully to the person, who was dear, but then acted very badly in a relationship? At least not to cry, seeing a nick on the net or a similar person outside?

It follows from the question that we are talking about the relationship, which has finished, but continues to torment a soul. It’s called “unfinished situation”. Formal parting isn’t enough always, to cut off all yarns between a couple. Particularly, if we are talking about a relationship established on mutual psychological weakness.

 

I say “weakness” cause it’s possible to cause pain to a person, if the person has psychological dependence from another person. Insults, malice, jealousy and so on arise when you are waiting for something from another person, when you need his understanding, love and faithfulness. That’s a usual case, however that isn’t normal.

People, particularly in relationship – spend time without ulterior motive very seldom. Realizing or not, the both partners always have some sights set on each other, some plans, some hopes and fantasies. And the more those “gadgets”, the higher the opportunity is that once a partner will give a surprise, won’t justify expectations, will show real worth. Then the insults arise – “I thought you are a nice guy, but I turned out to be…”

Judging by the issue, we suppose, that we are talking about the relationship of exactly such a type, when deep emotional entering in each other, lots of hopes and expectations were. And then something occurred, which shattered all in one all dreams and ideas about the partner (a boyfriend or a girlfriend it doesn’t matter). And the disenchantment, arose cause the person was not such person we wanted to be with, became the reason for parting.

However, parting can’t suppress the pain of insult. They tell, “time treats”, but in conformity with such situations, that’s lie. Time just gives the opportunity to hide your feelings deeper, to an extent “oblivion”. However, emotions themselves don’t fade and escape out at the first opportunity – “meeting a nick on the net or a similar person outside”.

If not to remind of the painful situation for a long time enough, then, of course, it’s possible to oust it from consciousness completely. But that is akin to forgetting about your appendicitis. You can alleviate the pain, but in the most cases, it is fraught with fatal ending.

So, we can say, in our situation, the parting occurred only in mind. But inside you are continuing to worry, to be hurt, to be jealous and so forth. The pain, which was caused to you, won’t disappear because  you have parted, and will remind about itself, until you form an understanding of it, until the situation is finished definitely.

In order to do that it’s necessary to act on two fronts – on an intellectual front and emotional front. First of all, it’s needed clearly to form an understanding of what emotions boil inside you, what hurt you exactly, what expectations were ruined. That’s what is called “to form an understanding of feelings”. You can take a pen and sheet and just to begin writing down the chronology of outside events and internal ones into details, until there is nothing to add. Such job allows to look at a situation much soberly and thus to lower emotional tension.

The next stage is to think about this – every person has the right to remain for ever one, which he or she is. Nobody is indebted to us. And even the promises we got, don’t give us the right to consider someone as a “debtor”. Intelligibly, that we want to find someone whom it would count on in an everyday and emotional sense, but it will never be in this way. That’s just a fairy tale about relationships, which is told to children.

The person who “hurt” you has not failed you. You are exclusively responsible for all your painfully feelings yourself. Cause your desires the ones which wasn’t justified, you are the one who hoped the person would behave as you want. If the expectations didn’t exist it wouldn’t has been the disappointment. I can say – sorry for the “diagnosis” – the thing is your psychological childhood. It’s time to grow up and to stop regretting yourself.

However, it is not possible to understand such a situation using only your mind. Emotions are not subject to it. Exit is needed to the emotions to die down. The simpler way is to express your feeling to a wrongdoer – to pour out the stored up aggression. But that’s really the most primitive variant.

It would be better to learn to give your emotions the “exit”, not drawing other people into it, cause thus dependence on somebody else’s influence only prolongs. But that need exactly reduces you in such painfully situation.

The main principle here is to move towards your feelings. Not to hide from them, as it’s usually, but on the contrary, to allow yourself to pour out them. To cry, to break a pair of plates, and to do that until emptiness is in your soul but not the pain.

Don’t confuse postmortem of abscess with picking it. It’s necessary to pour out the emotions, not to regret yourself, not to complain about life, but to accept pain of the life, in order to continue living. And when there aren’t emotions inside you, it’s possible to part with the person properly.

It’s possible to do that independently, in loneliness, but it would be better to hold a ritual – to meet the person and to say “goodbye”. However, without insults, without accusations, without attempts to cause pain, to get his/her own back to take revenge. Just to end the completed stage. Such a real meeting will give the opportunity to realize whether all emotions are suffered or there are more of them.

Of course, it’s easier to give recommendations than to fulfill them. However, principles of ways out from such emotional situations are always the same. I hope the article will help you to do the first step in the necessary direction. And then everything will go by itself. Good luck!!!